A handbook for the grieving

Henriette Lamprecht - When writer and reader Bridget McNulty’s mom died, she just wanted a book to guide her through her grief. Something kind and compassionate that would reach out a hand to help her through the darkest of days, and offer some guidance and reassurance along the way. All the books she found were either too religious or too philosophical.

“My mom died very suddenly in 2019, 13 days from diagnosis till death,” says Bridget, admitting she felt “completely lost”.

She decided to write the book that she so desperately needed for her devastating loss, offering an empathetic guide through the grieving process.

Bridget gathered all the most helpful words of advice from experts and writers and included activities to help process different elements of grief. A space to vent, journaling exercises to try to unpack different elements of grief, and colouring pages for mindfulness exercises. “It's really a collection of all the most helpful things I found on my grieving journey. I wanted to create the book I wished I had when my mom died!” And so, The Grief Handbook was born.

The grieving process has no time frame, Bridget says.

“There is a strange societal belief that every three months we should stop feeling sad and heartbroken and 'get back to normal'.”

In her experience, this was impossible. We all grieve at different times, and there's no right or wrong time frame to mourn the loss of someone you loved, she emphasizes.

She thinks it's particularly difficult to mourn during the current pandemic, as people have been robbed of many of the rituals that used to accompany grieving. “Even just a funeral, being able to hug each other, coming together and remembering those we've lost - so much of that has been taken away because of Covid. That means a lot of what we used to process our grief with, has been stripped away. It's also so inconceivably difficult that many people are mourning their losses without having had the chance to say a proper goodbye because of Covid protocol. I can't imagine how difficult that must be - my heart really goes out to all those who have lost loved ones during the pandemic.”

Bridget describes her book as “a toolkit” of what helped her in her journey with grief.

One thing she found really helpful, was creating a space to grieve – a physical space, but also carving out time in her day to surrender to whatever she was feeling.

“So much of our lives exist in public spaces, where we have to pretend to be functioning fine, even if we don't feel it on the inside. To give yourself permission to fall to pieces without anyone bearing witness is really powerful.”

Bridget had a special chair in her garden where her kids were not allowed to disturb her and where nobody could see her – a space just to feel whatever it was she was feeling that day.

She admits acceptance is an essential part of the grieving process.

“But it's so hard! And there are so many stages before acceptance, I think.

“I'm not a grief counsellor or a therapist, but in my experience, most of the first year I was in a state of shock and disbelief. It just felt so grossly unfair that my mom was no longer alive, and I felt a lot of rage and despair. Even now, after two years, it seems impossible that I'll never have a mom again. How can that be? So yes, I think acceptance is an important part of the process, but I wouldn't rush it – it will come in its own time. It's really important to not put pressure on yourself. However you choose to grieve is absolutely right for you, right now.”

Having a personal experience with loss and grief, Bridget knows how heart-breaking it is for every person who has to live through this.

“I am so sorry for your loss. Just take it one day at a time – or half a day at a time. It will feel better one day. I'm sending you so much love.” - [email protected], www.bridgetmcnulty.com