To all who I have wronged

JAN MYBURGH WRITES:

I am writing this letter to publically apologize to everyone who I have wronged when I was living and working in Namibia. I would like to explain what happened and express my regret.

When I moved to Namibia, I was in love. Which was my reason for moving there in the first place.

At first I tried real hard to build a business and create a good life. But things started going wrong early. Problems arose in my personal life and my marriage. Things which I cannot make public.

I used to blame everything on those problems, but what I didn't want to accept was that I was too weak, and ultimately I could only blame things on myself. I was overlooking the problems in my marriage and kept trying to fight for the success of it. What I didn't realize at the time was that I was fighting for it in the wrong manner and that it was all in vain. Yet I still continued trying to fight blindly and it became my ultimate focus.

Eventually I fell into depression, because nothing was working and going right, and things got worse in the war I was busy fighting to fix things. I went as far as attempting to take my own life, but both times my attempts failed. Once I woke up in hospital two days later, and another later the day.

Ultimately I gave myself over to substance abuse in an attempt to overdose and hopefully succeed in ending my life. I was still trying to build a business and trying to eliminate my personal and marriage problems at the same time. My focus on my personal issues were increasing every day, so much that I bought a vehicle I couldn't afford and rented a house I couldn't afford. I felt under pressure to make my marriage work because I never believed in failure.

With the failure evident and my substance abuse, the worst was yet to come and business completely disappeared.

At first I tried seeking help, but there was no one who wanted to help in any way, not even churches I spoke to. I ended up living on the street for a while and I was left with no one, not even the people I was fighting to keep. I tried getting rid of my demons by myself but I felt tied to my chains that were impossible to escape from.

Then I wiped out my eyes and noticed that I had become someone I wasn't. I had wronged others who trusted me and this apology is for those people.

I am not excusing or reasoning away things I did. I am a ashamed. I am also not asking for pity, but only explaining why my mind was not where it should have been.

The way I tried to fix things was never going to be successful. I was wasting everything on substances in my depressive state and became someone I always feared of being.

I want all who I have wronged to know that not a day has gone by that I have not regretted what I've done to you. Not a day has gone by that I didn't think about it. Not a day has gone by that I didn't pray for forgiveness and that someday all of you might be able to forgive me. There are no words that can describe how sorry I am.

When I finally opened my eyes and saw that I was damaged and what I did to very good people, I had to make a decision. I needed to find myself again and because of my failure in my personal situation, staying in Namibia would not be wise. So I decided to return to South Africa.

If I wanted to fix the wrongs I did, I knew I had to first heal and fix my life. The things I did was not deliberate, it was caused by my own weakness, trying to please others, losing focus and making stupid decisions at a very crucial time in my life. Since my return to SA in 2017 my fight has shifted to healing and then correcting my mistakes.

I have received threats of physical harm and people from Namibia were looking for me here and attempting unimaginable things. This was when I was still weak, in the healing process, and my depression still alive. I understand their actions.

I want everyone to know how sorry I am. None of you deserved any of it. Before everything I was also a good person, and I felt I didn't deserve what happened to me either, but I now know that it doesn't aid me to focus and put the blame on others. I was the one who made the wrong decisions, the one who needs to correct them and should have thought before making any of them. I was stupid and weak, blind, and I am regretful for what I have done.

Today I am completely healed and my life has turned around. I have received my priesthood and I am free from depression and any sort of substance abuse.

I know to completely be free of my pain I now need to work on correcting the wrongs I committed. I need to and I want to, as it is important to me.

I fought hard every day to reach the point I now find myself at. I know asking for all of your forgiveness might be too much to ask, but I just want you to know that even though it was hard, I forgave myself.

I know that only apologizing doesn't make things right, but I want to work at correcting with every person I have wronged. For this purpose I ask all of you who I have sinned against to please contact me on social media (Facebook) or email ([email protected]). I am hoping you will contact me so I can make arrangements how I can start to fix things with you.

I am in the process of finding new work with my new qualification and shifted my primary focus to make things right with every person I have wronged. Many of you hate, despise and is very angry with me, and you have all the right to be, but now I am healed and I am better than I ever was. Now I will do everything to fix everything I did wrong.

Again I want to express my sincerest apology and regret. Thank you and I wish you all well.